I can’t even

Warning: strong language. Strong opinions. You’re going to hate this. Don’t read it.

What I have to say isn’t funny or entertaining. My opinion isn’t shared by everyone. But, I’m saying it anyway. Do me a favor, unfriend me if you can’t be sensitive to the other side of this coin (or if you love Trump). But I digress….

When I was younger, we could plan our viral epidemics around events. “Sam, your friend Shila’s communion is in three weeks, go hang out with Danielle and get the chickenpox so we can be over and done with it and you won’t have scabs for the pictures.” We knew, if I got it, it would last a week and I’d likely never get it again in my lifetime. Turns out, I rubbed vigorously on Danielle’s scabs and didn’t get it. Later on, I’d work in the health system who would test me and determine that my “titers” showed a weakened immunity to varicella, so I’d get a booster shot and that would be it. Crisis avoided. Shila’s communion was lovely. Did you know Manishevitz makes those Christ crackers? So Jewish of us to insert ourselves into everyone else’s religion… No visible scabs.

Years later, I’d feel nauseous and sick. I’d run to the store to make sure I wasn’t pregnant- again (the catchiest virus of all viruses in my case). $11 and a minute later- I’d learn I wasn’t and a weekend of drinking and re-exposure to said virus commenced. Diagnosis: hungover from the night before. No babies. Life resumed.

This C-vid… it’s new. We don’t know if we get it and then get it again or maybe we would all be rubbing up and licking Danielle’s snot just so we could get it and be done with it already. (Danielle is a virusy little codfish.) Too expensive for everyone to test for it, like that trusty PG Test or they’d be flying off the shelves faster than the toilet paper we DON’T NEED FOR THIS FUCKING ILLNESS, you potato. 

One side of politics is saying “live your best life… with caution” and the other side is screaming “duck and cover!” I could show up to an emergency room with snot dangling out of my eye and be choking on vomit but if it isn’t a “dry cough with fever” then I won’t know if I have it. I’m remembering the days where I’d hold the thermometer up to a lamp to feign illness to avoid school and even with a fever of 120 degrees from holding it there too long, I still didn’t get to stay home. I’m not even sure if that would work now: showing up with a lamp-lit thermometer reading to get a free test. They’d probably just contain me and I’d be stuck at work indefinitely: the ultimate nightmare.

Then, I’m hearing “just be careful” in that mom voice that would tell you to “just use common sense” in some mid-Western nasally draw with the same emphasis that ma would warn ya not to iron your hair if you think it could rain and spoil your up-do… Or even more common: the advice to smell the expired food product first. If it doesn’t smell pungent, it’s probably still safe to eat… “Just cook it a lot.”  That’s the “use your common sense” I’m accustomed to. Not the variety of “to work or not to work- or you could DIE.”

I’m on the fence about a few things and I’m sure you over-opinionated cunts can help chime in, but listen up before casting judgment or saying shit like “now you should get a day job” as so sensitively suggested by one of my peers ----as though those things are just being restocked on the racks like all the toilet paper supplies you raped, you douches…

Most people heeded their parent’s warning about having one boy/one girl, in a sensible house with a steady job. While I have that, I also had one more child who eats like he has a bad weed habit and a Nigerian tape worm. I adopted three stray dogs, actually KEPT all of my Easter “present” rabbits, nursed and kept stray cat, am responsible for 5 horny ducks living in my yard,...did I mention I have three kids?, and an open door policy for the rest of you riff raff who have ever needed food or shelter in the “dude room” while you got your shit together. 

With responsibility, comes the need for income. Thankfully, Silas has put his MFA to some sort of use and the school system has entrusted them with your parasites, so when the virtual ‘stay home crises’ hit, he was among those who could stay home and virtually teach. This meant keeping the house from being lit on fire as my children also “home school” (ie, Grand Theft Auto/ Fortnite battles and have turned every Amazon (lysol’d) package into part of their living room fort).

I, however, have been mandated to continue to come to work and care for the most vulnerable population out there right now. While I don’t run med carts and change diapers, I’m the psychosocial piece that is their peace in these harrowing times. If you find my face books posts amusing, imagine being in my office all day while I entertain you from feeling the suffocation during a nursing home lock down. (No one here has Venmo, or I’d make a killing.) I’m also constantly assessing for change in mental status, arranging safe discharges and keeping families apprised of their loved ones as visitation is DONE. I just used my personal cell phone and FaceTimed so a resident’s daughter can see her mom… maybe for the last time.

But the music… Alright, you judgmental bitches… Yes, I have a Master’s Degree and a “day job.” Guess what? My $200k of loans is in deferment so we can afford the $3k in food, meat packages (I have sent to other people in need because you stuffy trash bags stole everything off the shelves), a new fridge and other supplies to entertain my troops in these past weeks. I DEPEND on gigging income. Shooters cancels for a month? There goes my car payment. Another venue (I will not mention) begs us to continue at HALF PAY so they can keep music alive while they struggle to keep afloat at half of their earnings? There’s my gas bill. I could go on and on as slowly, the cancellations come in… But for those of us who solely rely on this income? To BASH them and their supporters? Come on. You think everyone is going to live stream their regurgitations of Wonderwall and Don’t Stop Believing and get enough tips virtually to subsidize their pay… THREE-FOUR TIMES A WEEK? Really? I’m clinging to the gigs where venues have the wherewithal to stay open during this time because by the end of the week- OR TODAY, we will likely be on total shut down and they will all be gone. Nine years in this business since moving here and some of my staples will suffer from these shutdowns and possibly close forever and we will have to start over from scratch. The economy will have to build back up to support the “frivolity” of live music as a feature in their establishments. Some of these musicians have worked at their craft that would supersede a doctorate in whatever studies you hold with such high regard and it’s constantly challenged as a “luxury” item in a bar or in an orchestra (all shut down) -and the first thing to go when times are hard.

BOOM: no work. No work means no money. No money, means bills don’t get paid. People lose their cars and their homes and can’t afford the scraps that are left on the shelves. A music instructor teaches virtually? Cool-Cool. Except when the people buying these lessons for their kids are out of work because of the shut downs, the first thing to go when saving money is lessons. Then, what? Get a day job? Please tell me who is hiring right now. I’d love to know. As bars and restaurants cut hours and close operations, who is hiring the newly unemployed? And multi-skilled musicians? Most of us work paycheck to paycheck so when all bars and restaurants are closed for 30 days with no employee pay- please tell me about the line cooks, waitresses and bartenders who will be losing their homes yet still patronizing online lessons and tipping our virtual strumming efforts?

Yeah, this is scary. I’m not saying to be complacent. But, riddle me this: I just sat in a conference room with 20 people (10 more than what is recommended) and we all sat inches apart to fit at the table for our morning discussion. The doctor just came back from Atlanta where she drove her daughter back to school. The ARNP just returned from a vacation a week ago. The Director of Physical Therapy is in proximity all day to restorative CNAs who work at several other hospitals and private homes to retain enough hours to support their families. We are on the front line of the residents with pre-existing respiratory disease who would die in seconds if this came through. 

How are the mobs that go to Publix every day, grasp the soiled, half-sanitized carts with their greasy, greedy hands and pillage all of the supplies in less danger than those who go to a half-empty bar and have a drink? All of the people running to urgent care to get antibiotics and get checked out for every little symptom… the employee just sent to “Employee Health” to rule out what her allergy cough was-sitting in a room of sneezing people… tell me how she is in less danger than someone in a bar is? Because it is “necessary” to go to Publix, whereas listening to music and drinking isn’t? Is that what the criteria for this virus is?? That makes it less of a threat? 

I respect the fuck out of musicians who have the financial capacity to cancel gigs and will be ok ‘until further notice’ but for the rest of us who depend on every crinkled penis dollar you toss into our jars to survive… what about them/us?

And amid this crisis…You begrudge them from trying to find a way to not get kicked out of their homes and buy food or make their child support payments? It’s really easy to judge as a patron who can choose to simply boycott their “fun” from a distance while continuing to lead semi-protected lives and all you had to give up was a few weekends of entertainment. All I’m saying is CAST NOT judgment on those who aren’t just giving up the FUN of entertaining you drunk whores but who lose their livelihood. So, all you Karen-varieties who work on an hourly wage to support your aquanet and radioactive blue eyeshadow supplies… Just think if your auto parts store closed and you simply didn’t get a paycheck for a while and how cavalier you’d be about throwing around advice…? Yes, total isolation greatly reduces the spreading of this nasty shit. I don’t think anyone is taking it lightly when they choose to work if the venue decides to stay open.

We can’t exist on thoughts and prayers. Be socially cognizant. Keep distances. Wash the fuck out of your hands. But if venues choose to stay open, limit crowds, obey the curfews and they decide to have a musician to provide the soothing sounds in the background as the fucking Titanic goes down, shut your stupid mouth if someone is dangling a $50 at us to grab onto before everything is gone. And by the end of today when we hear that everything is shut down and we don’t get paid for 30 days, don’t say it’s for the best and sigh relief- not unless you’re paying our bills, keeping us fed and clothed, and letting us stay with you. This crisis is more than isolation boredom and averting a two week illness. This may mean us losing our homes, getting into debt and losing our livelihood.

“Get a day job?” Fuck you.

That is all.