Phew…. Weird day. Heavy.
But, positives:
1. Getting a text from a sweet friend saying he’s bought me tickets to something he knows I want to see/hear. Wasn’t sure I’d be available. Bought two in case I wanted to bring a friend. Came at the moment I was attending a death and writhing from hurtful words from somebody I used to know and thought knew me.
2. Thinking maybe I was ready to take a final bow from the cover scene that doesn’t seem to be feeding my soul as it once did…. Coming home to my new hot pink equity card reminding me of other hidden loves that dont necessarily equate to the death of my art. And remembering how I used to love hot pink… hot orange and all colors “hot.”
And color changing shirts and the way Burdines used to smell. The whole memory formed a perfume counter-scented memory that ended with an orange julius and a baby powder scented sticker… IYKYK
3. Having a chocolate cheesecake dance party with the 24-year old Vitas vendor and trimming dead ends in my office after some heavy discussions with grief. Deciding to banish terms like “goals of care.”
4. Having just enough cheesecake bites left to share with a few kiddos who had an equally challenging day.
5. Hearing the giggles of my girl, while she plans out her summer with an old camp friend. Weeks away from when the house grows quiet again and I’ll have time to read those six stacked books I’ve only thumbed through to catch the glossy picture centerfolds to….
6. My forehead being ever so slightly more difficult to squish upwards than yesterday. But not too unrecognizable when needing to show unspeakable disdain directed at a director among her detainees.
7. Feeling okayer today to remove the heavy water-logged amulet I’ve been wearing like a suit of armor as we inch closer to the end of whatever feces moon retrogatorade shi*pot we’ve been wading in.
8. A growing song list to learn…. Maybe to learn on my own guitar.
9. Spending a few extra minutes less than yesterday worrying about the things and people who likely haven’t worried about me at all. Realizing the lessened consumption and feeling growth in the absence.
10. Empathic Facebook poetry swamping my Facebook feeds where Asian ASMR gorge-eating videos once lived. Happily mistaking the new trending algorithm as some ethereal zeitgeist marking my ascension into my new season.
11. An old friend texting me during the intermission of a show that reminded him of me. He said he preferred my versions of the songs. He texted while I was typing this out while wondering if I should stop at 10. No matter how much I broke his heart in the past, he tends to appear in poignant, reflective moments and fill in life’s pot holes with glitter when I need it most. He reminded me of something he noticed in me a while ago: the layers. The perverse and politeness. The pensive and powerful. He learned more about me in moments of my silence than most bothered to decode in decades. One attribute not being any more or less of me than the other. Admiring them all and asking for nothing in return. He reminded me I’m someone to be loved. I smiled imagining him arm in arm with his love and finding fond remembrances in songs we sung during tougher times.
12. Orange earplugs. One to plug the overstimulation of sounds in my room. The dog snoring. The neighbor’s cats arguing. The AC storming on and off as summer creeps in. An orange tic-tac squishy sensory depravation tank in my pillow cocoon to cover one window shade in my head and one to smoosh between my fingers before plugging the rest of the house sounds away.
13. The little jar of ruby red sequins from the shoes I wore in the Wizard of Oz. I collected them from the stage every night like I used to collect the sequins from the floor from the dance studio photo shoots when I was 2…3…and 4… stuffing them into my ballet Barbie bag…. The snaps never quite held right and I’d leave a trail of sequins and glitter when I walked to the car. I’d always wish my mom named me “Sparkles.” It was my kid drag name. Glitter is one thing… but sparkles could be square and octagon and had a brighter shimmer stuffed into smaller capsules. ‘Shiny’ and ‘sparkly’ are still my favorite colors.
14. The cupcake (replica) that Cody carried for a year. We found it in a swap shop loose toss-away pile. One day he lost it in a grocery store and I spent two months scouring dolls on EBay “with a cupcake prop” until I found it and bought the whole damn doll set to reclaim the very same cupcake to replace his lost treasure. He only needed it for a little while longer before it became a sweet memory on my shelf. The boy who now loves Radiohead and Chopin, who is a minimalist and cares not for clutter…. and who used to love all things cupcakes….
15. Remembering the feeling of loving and missing someone so hard that you had to hug their whole head to get them as close as possible when you saw them ….and they were just as happy to ride the sympatric melt. Feeling gratitude for moments caught for reminding of love when life feels lost.
16. That my favorite number was 16 for most of my life. Sweet 16. February 16th. Oh, 16….
But, Hey… 19?
Those few things made me smile when things got heavy today.
You?
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