2/8. Single Girl Summer AF

_{​I’ve heard from some people that perhaps I’ve been curt. Standoffish. Detached?} 

_{Haven’t answered a text or call or invitation to hang.} Asking if I’m ok.

_{I’m ok.} 

_{My whole (nuclear) family left.} 

_{Nuclear. Sounds so scientific for a schedule. A pattern. A biological community of familiarity and peace and chaos in your own personal space.} 

_{A glitter explosion that simultaneously brings you grief and frustration to have to pick up each shiny sparkle. It gets in your hair and in your teeth and sticks to your face. A bittersweet discovery at each fleck that makes you grit your teeth and shake your fist at the sky ….and simultaneously devastates you when you can’t find the predictable remnants anymore:}

_{A spit wad of toothpaste in the sink. A half-eaten sock left by a tired teen and a maniac dog. Leftover dinner and gummy Invisalign stuck to a nightstand. A weird art installation of stray hairs in the bathroom shower. Cheese stick wrappers on the diminish room table. The lack of the word “bruh.”}

_{All cleaned up now.} 

_{Two months. Camp. Mountains. Art and music and no technology. Free. Post-Covid mountain air. To be as musical and chubby and gay and autistic as anyone else. To be a teen and just…experiment. Roam. Just be. No homework reminders. No Invisalign or room clean arguments and chores and unreasonable demands from exhausted parents. A dream.}

_{For them.} 

_{I haven’t been apart from any of them for more than two weeks since we all met.} 

_{Two months.}

_{My life continues in the same patterns with vital components missing.} Their lives are enriched and nurturing and new… 

_{Admittedly as an only child who is a neat freak, I reveled in the idea of alone time.}

_{I’d eat weird stuff and the house would be spotless. I’d work on projects and see anyone and everyone and decorate and organize.} 

_{I’d work.  I’d sleep spread eagle in the middle of the bed and run around naked with a bottle of Tito’s.}  I’d surf Grindr and let my inner Tim Curry out. I’d tuck my junk and make jackets out of chunky chick skin from those I kept in my basement… you know, “single girl summer” stuff…

_{I saw the deficits in what wasn’t being done with them gone.} 

_{I called a lawn guy. A mobile groomer.} 

_{I looked at my house and lamented that it was too daunting to ‘get up to code’ before I’d be comfortable.} 

_{I started slow and peeled layers until the house felt like mine. Less empty. Cleaner.} 

_{I stared daily at the backyard and lamented that it was more work than I could handle and more than I could afford to hire help for.} 

_{Friends would say the task was too daunting or they’d ‘totally help’.} 

_{Not you, relax.} 

_{I started liking my alone time.} 

_{Then, I didn’t so much… not tonight.} 

_{Being alone with my thoughts after long days of work and gigs…. Started to drown me.}

_{Things play over in my head like a bad Taylor Swift riff.} 

_{I’ve become thin skinned. Someone I know listened to me vent the other day… I spoke about my skin journey and how this latest regiment is causing these burn patches in weird places. Friend said “why do you keep doing all these things? They never work anyway.” I felt pretty ugly. Why couldn’t this person acknowledge how hard I was working to at least try and fix this issue? Why did I care? Then, I needed a thing done. Friend was busy. Then they made another plan that didn’t include me. I hated the friend all day and most of the night. I was projecting my sadness and loneliness at what I could grasp.} 

_{Low lying fruit.} 

_{Seriously, though. Eff that effer in the ayyy.}

_{People who promised things… they were busy. Making plans.} 

_{Life went on. It goes on.} 

_{I was mad at those who couldn’t dismantle their lives at a quip to be there for my need for house mending or mere company. I realized how busy I’ve been and how people must have been impacted by my unavailability all this time. Meh.} 

_{It’s the completion of week two.} 

_{Of eight.} 

_{I discovered TV and my couch. I hadn’t noticed it on the wall before it was the only sound to drown out the silence.} 

_{The email is down at camp, and so I haven’t heard from the kids, really.} 

_{Cody had a fever in the first week. The nurse called once a day for three days to update me until he was released back to “gen pop.” I got a text clip of him playing some American Souza anthem. He probably hated it. His hair got long. I ached at knowing he was sick and bored and I couldn’t make him soup. He’s so not wearing his Invisalign. Creep.} 

_{I got a picture of Roz. She’s sewing costumes and learning about stage makeup. Naturally, she’s taken to the trans community and is seen holding hands with urban girls who share her passion for the macabre.}

_{Si sends one text a day in secret (the staff/campers aren’t allowed to use phones) … a pic of the mountains or his tiny decorated and moldy cabin. He laments about the “work” and I roll my eyes and compare our lives and quietly judge what “real work” is. He is directing “the Diary of Anne Frank.” I taught him “Baruch HaShem” today. He wrote it down to dazzle the campers with how “Jewish” he is… because he “played Tevye in high school” and his local temple allowed him on the bima twice in two years. I made jokes that he should urbanize it and call it “AF” for cultural} relevance. 

_{Baz sent an email and called twice asking to come home. He misses his friends. I told him I couldn’t be his carpool. His mind was changed. He created a shark for a play and is trying his hand at being a D.J. And as a magician.} 

_{The backyard barked at me.} 

_{Maybe a month of trees and storms and leaves and mosquitoes and dog poo…} 

_{A daunting task.}

_{Promises of quotes for help.} 

_{Worth the investment to just pay for help.} 

_{Radio silence.}

_{I wish I could do it all in one day.} 

_{I made dinner.} 

_{I cleaned more.}

_{I did a layer of raking.} 

_{The hauling of these piles to the curb seems more daunting. I want it all done today but maybe it is ok that it’s forcing me to do little pieces at a time.}

_{I did step one.} 

_Alone.

_{Phase one. Done.} 

_{Blistered hands. Another round of dog-shitten sneaker cleaning.} 

_{A glass of wine and an effed up documentary about a fertility doctor who used his own “great stuff” to inadvertently clone himself.}

_{Netflix. 94 siblings so far. #94 #AF}

_{I watched when Harry Met Sally and cried how much I miss New York.} 

_{I’m ok.} 

_{It’s not me living alone like at 19. 21. 23.} 

_{I’m learning about me now.} 

42. 

I’m a decent cook. I’m a great cleaner. I can rake like a beast. I’m tired. I still have bad skin (thanks cheese sticks). 

_{I still like having a clean house.} 

_{I reconnected with my dad after 5 years of estrangement. It won’t last.} 

_{I finally got my grandfather’s painting and saw my uncle.} 

_{I obtained one of the many pictures of my grandfather with some of his famous friends.} 

_{I’ve become a morning person.}

_{I stay up too late.} 

_{I’ve grown an unhealthy cheese stick addiction.}

_{I have developed insomnia.} 

_{I finally took down the broken blinds and replaced them with curtains.}

_{I woke up at 3 am and made a list that included “spackle” and “kitchen backsplash tiles.”} 

_{I saw two of my childhood best friends. And a few old high-school pals.} 

_{I bought two Target rugs and “installed them.”} 

_{I drink a little more than I should and I get those dehydrated leg cramps at night.} 

_{I’ve become even more detached from Wilbert, the dog (someone please take this monster).} 

_{I miss the kids.}

_{I’m inventing stories in my head that likely don’t exist.} 

_{I’ve shortened the “have-to’s” list.}

_{I’ve gained ten pounds.}

_{I do smaller loads of laundry.} 

_{I take the garbage to the curb twice a week.} 

_{I’m ok.}

_{2/8 down.}