Ugly is as Ugly Does

I feel… betrayed today. I thought maybe I could regurgitate some of this pent up pain and let some air out of the restrictive conditions of my present being…

I was tricked by a caricature of a bleeding heart who was wearing a peasant’s cloak to reveal the very picture of humility. She would tout that she was only flawed by insecurity; thrust upon her as a symptom of years of unrequited love. Underneath the tattered linens, lay the silk-woven fabrics wrapped around a giant selfish, self-obsessed toddler. A spoiled child with doting parents who would say “beautiful” and “perfect” when speaking of her “flawlessness.” Anything wrong about her was simply a byproduct of a bruise caused by someone else. Nothing was her fault. She was just a thirsty flower- ever competing with the weeds to get a drop of sun for survival.

She used me as her parent, her therapist, her on-call cohort to absorb her every ventilation of hot air and critique of the world when she wasn’t getting her way. She would throw gratuitous material items at me in an effort to hold my attention and establish an inequitable tab.  She used her snake mouth to speak ill of anyone who didn’t serve her well enough. She would return to the company of these foes whenever it served her- no one ever knowing the wiser. She would spit vile words to sum up the people below her and divulge the secrets of anyone who confided in her. She judged everyone harshly and was always careful to say it in private where her wounding daggers would never be detected. She confided in me her every secret, her every toxic habit, her every vice, her every soiled sentiment. She blamed everyone for her unhappiness and never accepted culpability for her own mishaps. She blamed everyone for the terrible things she was actually doing.

She compared herself to me incessantly and copped temper tantrums when she felt that I got something she wanted- as though I stole it from her.  She would allude to my being unkind for accepting something bestowed upon me after working hard for it. She would buy a gift and then make you feel bad for accepting it saying how “spoiled you were” by her tokens of affection. She felt I should not accept work or praise without considering her feelings first. A constant competition. Making comments when she would see an interaction with a new or former friend with jealous, hurtful reactions. Ownership.

She filled the spaces of my silence with exposition she wrote on my behalf with intentions and words I would never use. She accused everyone of having bad intentions. She thought everyone was using her. When she was lonely and sad, I was the architect of a tryst to give her the company and love she so sorely sought. She accused my former friend of “being in love” with me. She beat us down with this falsehood until we couldn’t possibly be friends anymore. She spoke ill of me to him, saying how mean I was being to her, judging me, my parenting, my choices and putting me down, destroying my character and this friend’s once high opinion of me. She spoke ill of him to me- saying he was using her, refusing her attention, commitment, sex, and was forcefully keeping her from having company or a real relationship because he was so terrible. She made me hate him for her. Then she would be mad at me for not wanting to spend time with him when a night out would suit her immediate needs. She pinned us against one another and cursed my name to every mutual friend.

Then she came after my mother. My mother regurgitating the same nonsense of how I abandon everyone and walk away from people I love. I posted words of hurt and she translated them into words of “hate” – terminology only she would use when mis-categorizing my intentions. She poured her poison right into the mouth of my own mother to spew at me from her stilted side. She filled the heads of those closest to me with the same jealous poison bullshit she spewed at me every time I disagreed or tried to put space between my peace and her constant texting and calling and demands….  My life cycle events and sores and surgeries paled in comparison to what she held of value and everyone had to bend to her needs and trials and tribulations. She didn’t care how anyone else was doing unless it impacted their ability to ‘be there’ for her. She was an emotional succubus.

She sat at the same table as I did, and her plate was full. Piled to the top. It was handed to her on a fine plate with matching napkins and utensils. She shoveled the food into her mouth fast, leaving her swollen and with an upset stomach. My plate was paper. The portion was meager, but nourishing and hard-earned. She looked angrily at me, seething with jealousy. She asked for my portion as she always did and I would give her most of it. She was angry that I took my time to taste each bite. She was angry that my plate was still full. She accused me of cheating, stealing, and gaining access to what I needed by malicious means. She was angry that I was not struggling to be comfortable at the table. Every day, she took portions from my meager plate. One day, I finally said no. She stomped and stamped and screamed. Everyone ran to see why she was crying. She pointed at me, blaming me for piracy. Everyone stared at me in anger and disbelief. She ripped up my plate, took my food, and threw her feet over my chair. She left me with no place to sit. I walked away. This infuriated her more. She told anyone who would listen that I abandoned her. I was tired of getting messy from her throwing food fits and stealing what I needed to survive. Her temper tantrum mockery of martyrdom unsheathed a festering disappointment waiting to reveal itself. I spent moments being angry. I cried until the sad ran out of my face.

Now, I am left with gratitude for her revealing herself and the façade that I was so desperately holding on to as faux value and warmth. Turns out, the revelation was: this lingering figure of the past is just as vapid as the other former manifestations of this imposed rapport.

If you are reading this, which I assume you are and could barely comprehend: if the closest you can come to me- is by usurping the last blood line I had, then you clearly needed it more than I did. I hope you find the help you so desperately need. I hope you can form friendships of equity where you aren’t constantly circling miles above them in judgment or wasting time attaching to people you idolize while silently trying to destroy them for everything you are not and can never be.

I was built from the fire. I got knocked down and lost more than I care to count and I stood back up and fought harder. I’ve lost parts of my body, I’ve lost parts of my heart, I’ve bare-handedly birthed three children and stood up each time and braved my way back to health. Yeah, I am imperfect, but at least I am honest. I’ve struggled with vices that help me get through a day. I’ve tried pills to keep the sadness at bay. I’ve picked my face to a blood pulp my whole life in response to constant trauma at the hands of men and an abusive father and absent mother. I don’t judge you for what you do to keep yourself sane-whether it is the pills you hide or the hair you pull- but those things aren’t because of ME, they’re because of you. We aren’t the same. I’m not hiding. I am no liar and I am no fraud and I wear my heart out loud and I say what I feel and some times that is hard to hear but I’d rather be surrounded by a sharp tongue that spills truth than a slippery one who spins dissimulations and distortions.

You don’t know hard work. You don’t know what it is to be absolutely exhausted, without a lifeline, forced to work and worry about people beyond yourself and the little things that serve you.

You’ve never had a soul mate, because your soul only serves yourself.  You don’t know sacrifice. Your hardships are short-lived, over-supported by everyone around you who had to drop their own needs to run to your aid; and you were always rewarded with a pot of gold at the end of each hard moment.

You only love people and children for what they can serve to you. When it gets hard, you’re busy and tired, and bored and have better things to do and other quickly-made obligations to get you out of whatever you deem as unimportant.

People aren’t pets. You can’t fill a food bowl, throw a toy at them, and walk in and out when you seek companionship. You didn’t work for the resources you have, you reaped the benefits of those around you who bestowed these luxuries upon you. Yeah, some of these relationships were hard- but you got through them enough to get the payout. Yeah, you held a job- like any other adult. It doesn’t make you a super hero. Your gifts are nonsense if they come with a tab. Buying people shoes and tote bags and tabs at places you demand to go to doesn’t equate to ‘everything you did for someone and their family’ when you compare the countless acts of generosity and sacrifice that came without a tab and from pure generosity and genuine intent. Acts of kindness that took a sacrifice of time and resources that weren’t as plentiful as they come on your end. There is no room for boredom and naps and vacations over here. All my PTO at work is used to work at other places to earn money. When you struggle for minutes to even pee during the day or get enough sleep at night to be shat upon for not making time to help with needs you have fully staffed already is bananas. I DO NOT WORK FOR YOU. I apologize that I work three jobs in a day and couldn’t abandon my work to help you move into your half million dollar palace. I sent my mom. I asked if my people could come help before work on a Saturday when we aren’t already working during the week with a flexible schedule. No response. Only anger that only mom and her husband came.  And in return, you thank me by attaching to her, shit-talking me to my own mother and driving a huge wedge in between my very sparse family. Yes, my mother and her husband came to help: They are RETIRED. They have no job and no young children. They can- so I asked them to help. You selfish, selfish woman. Your boyfriend hasn’t worked in 30 years because he is “disabled” and his family doesn’t know he basically lives with you. He is a hero for spending months at your house cleaning up and moving and packing for the needs of his own house- while abandoning his own family? Oh, and our other friend(s) who work from home, who have help with their personal needs or have the time to help- they get a pass?

You have to meet people half way, sometimes. If you have the time and the space and four times as many resources, you should not be laying back and testing people’s loyalty to you by expecting them to serve up the same plate you’ve been afforded. And if you give a gift, you can’t shit all over people for not being gracious enough to reciprocate in exact exchange with you. YOU ARE THE DEFINITION OF GASLIGHTING.

You want me to play the bad guy for your victim narrative? Ok, I’ll play along. The people who KNOW me, know I am a good person and won’t believe the bullshit you are spewing because I won’t give you the time of day. I don't need to post pictures of me wiping asses and holding wounded hearts for people to know where i invest my time.  

I’m sad that you need to shit on my name to justify the embarrassment you must feel that someone people associated you with cannot spare a second to even show up at your party to congratulate you for having money.

So, let’s go with the bad guy scenario. I’ll be brutally honest. No kid gloves.

Your insatiable need to stuff yourself with food, booze and pills that has left you large isn’t what makes you ugly.

You’re inability to stick to a plan for health beyond a few days unless you are ‘getting back at someone’ who has rejected you isn’t what makes you ugly.

Your pulling and picking at your head and the destruction that anxious habit has left you with isn’t what makes you ugly.

Your need for child-coddling and for someone to sugar coat every critique or varying discussion so they don't get accused of being a "monster" or "mean" or "making fun of you" when you clearly have ZERO regard for any other opinion than your own...that isn't even what makes you ugly.  

You’re a liar and a cheat. You’re dishonest and dishonorable and have fooled an entire community about what you and your boyfriend actually are. You’re no Robin Hoods. You’re selfish. You are frauds. You build people up and then destroy them when they no longer serve your needs. You take money and clothes and resources from the community and pocket them, but not before you take a picture handing out the left overs after you picked through them- of the same four people willing to pose for a picture while you go out for steak dinners at the casino and pat yourself on the back for being so wonderful. 

You play the victim and never accept any culpability for any hurt you cause- willingly or not. You have attached yourself to my friends and family and created a falsehood of who I am and what I stand for.  You made me defend myself and appear as something I am not. You took a good person who works hard for what she has and labeled her a “monster” and a villain after everything I have done for YOU. For free. At a moment's notice. Even after you shit on me time and time again. And for that: you are fucking ugly.

You wanted a response? You have your own fucking blog post. And that is all the energy you deserve.