I had a nice evening. I was safe. I snapped a picture of the evening and was ridiculed by someone who doesn’t actually know me and summed up my choices from a photograph. I retracted and was admittedly embarrassed. Did I just do something I’ve been an advocate against? Do I now need to make a post and have a local news interview to apologize for my selfish behavior? Too much time to ponder is an admission of guilt.
I apologized. I took it down....
But then....
I thought on it and realized I’m not going to sit back and let someone who doesn’t know me determine my integrity with regard to this virus...
I’ve been loud and publicly angered towards people saying it doesn’t exist and that numbers were fabricated for political gain. Honestly, there’s been plenty of people who gain from any pandemic. (The PPE companies are raking it in). As an exhausted healthcare worker, I’ve been angry, frustrated and confused on the recommendations. Does the 10 o’clock curfew restrict new infections better than the new extension to 11? Do bars that don’t serve food need to be shut down but a bar with stale chips and a flimsy charcuterie board make for a safer environment from COVID? While events with a smaller crowd reduces the opportunity for infection, are you SMART/safe for choosing to still participate?
I’ve been mad about people being cavalier about it and saying it’s ‘basically the flu’. I don’t know anyone personally who died from the flu. Do you? I know it happens, but...?
I’ve been vocal about being protective and hyper-vigilant when we didn’t have much data. I’ve seen people who were the most vulnerable walk away unscathed with no symptoms who still test positive for this... I’ve seen body builders with no “pre-existing conditions” die. How you can compare the two cases is beyond me. People test negative and are “cured” to only develop a fever and lung issues three weeks later. It’s a bizarre little bird...
I lowered my guard when I learned that I didn’t need to burn the boxes the mail came in. I lowered my guard when I learned that after ten days, a patient can still test positive and no longer be considered to be “shedding the virus” so I didn’t need to be in FULL - PPE when interviewing a patient who came back after the recommended quarantine period. I still wear a mask. I still keep my hair back. I still wash my hands and keep distance and eat lunch in my office. I still Lysol my shoes and take them off before coming into the house. I still doff my scrubs before touching anyone at home, especially if I went to the units and rounded on patient floors.
COVID is still happening. It is. After working 10-12 hour days serving my community- like actually taking care of people and not just re-posting regurgitated BS news articles on Facebook as my only act of activism.... but like helping to evaluate, treat and accommodate/place people affected by this pandemic... I went out. 😬
My music business has suffered and Income has suffered. The tension of raising three children in isolation is exhausting. Work, life, friendships have all been impacted in ways I couldn’t even put into words and I am one who will put everything and anything into words.
I stay up on my CDC guidelines DAILY. Did you know about symptom-based testing versus the nasopharyngeal swab tests versus the oral swabs versus the antigen test versus the antibody test and each of their efficacies? I do. The temperature taking nonsense the rest seemed to be so comfortable with, that flimsy layer of protection didn’t hold back the infection spread in my workplace. Are you still wiping your mail down? Are you cleaning your reusable masks according to recommendations from the DOH? When that person took that cute photo of you promoting wearing a mask, were you six feet apart? Did they use your phone? Did you wipe it down afterwards? Did you think that decorative print cloth mask would protect you from the photographer or her from you? (Your nose wasn’t fully covered, by the way.... ) Why weren’t you wearing gloves? When did that stop? Are you being too passive about that or did you discover they weren’t as protective as you thought?
We could all pick apart every photo, every movement, every choice... but your imperfect attempt at being cautious was still any attempt, so kudos, right? Because you were “at work” or picking up something your kid or dog or sick mom needed versus the choice to go have a drink for mental health and connection, your choices were safer because they were more justified, right? I could grill the company you keep, but I’ll assume when you’re in public, should anyone capture a moment where you’re unmasked, it’s because it was done with intention and safety and you’ve gone through the proper protocol to ensure the company you kept was as diligent as you have been with decreasing opportunities for contamination. Right?
I don’t just ‘know a guy’ or a friend’s dad’ who had it. I’ve encountered hundreds of personal accounts where people I know and loved have been infected and yeah, some have died. I’m not cavalier about this at all. If you see my mask dip and lose its seal in a moment, it’s purposeful... or fuck, it’s pandemic fatigue and not because I don’t care or am “part of the problem” of why the world can’t heal from this yet. I have much to protect beyond myself and a potted plant. I won’t assume I know everything that holds meaning to you based on your Facebook stories and you can maybe remember that intelligent people can be vulnerable and bare intimacies without giving you the entire picture of everything they do or hold as valuable.
I don’t go out in groups “larger than ten” (last night I made up the fourth member) unless I have to work; and when I do work, I keep distance, wear a mask, wash my hands and carry sanitizer with me. I have two bottles in my car for each passenger. I carry boxes of masks in my glove compartment. I elbow bump and “near-miss-high-five” when I come around people I wanna connect with but can’t touch.
I stayed in as long as I could but had to go back to work. I had to go to the grocery store. I had to get my oil changed. Most of us did, and do. Last night, I went out. Not for any reason except that two friends who have been in isolation for months came to see an ailing family member (not Covid-related) and made time to see me and my best friend who also has only left his house to hang/work with me (at work, home). Bestie had been tested recently and hadn’t come in physical contact with anyone since. I’m tested every two weeks. My guests were also tested as a precaution before they can see their other family members later this week while they’re in town. Is it fool- proof? No.
Another friend I saw recently confessed she bumped into someone else recently who accidentally kissed too close to her mouth when they cheek-kissed ‘hello’ and now HE has “it.” She found out two days later and is understandably concerned. I found out about their interaction just yesterday. I retraced every inch within proximity I spent with her and reassured myself we didn’t hug, so I’m fine....
I’m tested again tomorrow as I am every two weeks per hospital protocol. I guess I’ll know on Thursday if I was “careful” enough. If I trusted the wrong people. The truth is, she could have touched lips with a man who was in an active COVID infection period and be spared whereas, now just supposing: my masked kid came with me to shop and used a Target bathroom and his hand touched the paper towel roll infected with the snot of a Covid- inflamed shopper and when my sunglasses fell on the ground, he picked them up and handed them to me and I placed them back on my head and scratched the side of my mouth and then licked that same area when Starbucks froth smeared from my sip and now I have the damn virus but I think it was from her but really it was from him and from them....
Last night, we met up. Four of us. We spoke about where we have been, how cautious we have been, our thoughts on the pandemic and ensured that our concerns and precautions were aligned before being “too” close. We wore masks and went to a bar where we sat outside and spoke about life, our hopes and goals and challenges... we masked up, washed hands and walked through a sparse street to a pizza shop. We took off our masks to eat and then washed our hands and walked to the car. We were the only ones in the pizza place. The bar was pretty dead, too. That area is never dead. We took a chance going out that night to that area, but we were spared. Curfews and losing dance licenses made the area uninhabitable for the people who usually flood those streets. It was a ghost-town. We took a few pictures of the four of us in proximity and then the night ended shortly thereafter. We were certain by the end of the evening that each one of us had been cautious within our lifestyles and yeah, we took a small chance that being in proximity would/ would not put our lives and family’s lives in danger. If it was packed, we would have left. If one of us was admittedly slacking on community protocol or had been flippant about the threat, the pictures would have reflected that. A 24-year friendship made us have some faith in that our safeties were at risk and we respected that.
It’s a chance we take. I feel there’s an opportunity to get coughed on when someone is walking the wrong way up the Publix isle. There’s a chance that when my boss grabbed my pen to sign her name to an AHCA form, that her finger may have been up her husband’s Covid-infested nostril moments before. This could end in December, it may never end. We are finding new ways to educate ourselves and to bend with the changing information as it populates. We also need to foster emotional well-being while ensuring we physically survive this thing long enough for that to even matter. I get it.
I admit that when this first came to discovery, I attacked a friend posting a picture of himself with his arm around an unmasked casual acquaintance after he had been out all day, visiting lots of people. The message was nice: he was promoting a friend who was among the first to start gathering cloth to make masks for people when we had none yet.. but he was out while we were in hiding. He had vulnerable people at home and was a frequent flyer at our house. We were still boiling boxes and living in a bubble and he was doing typical neighborhood rounds. I took the chance to yell at him publicly for being so casual about his daily activities when we were scared for our lives. He was humiliated and I later apologized but I felt I was just being passionate about our choices in these life and death times. Maybe you were, too. But you don’t know me like I know him or he knows my family. You’re reading from miles away. And a lot has changed since his February snapshot. We learned more. We have a new routine... I still was upset that at that early stage. I felt that he was laughing in the face of the storm. I don’t think that’s what I’m doing now.
What I didn’t see in HIS picture was caution. No mask, no care. What YOU didn’t see in MY pictures were the two masks in my purse, one of which was hung from my key clip momentarily to take that picture, or the mask in each of the three other men’s pockets that were just taken off for that shot. You didn’t see that we had clean hands, and a checklist of conversations before that moment of comfort. You didn’t see that we were practicing a moment of proximity with a level of assurance that we all felt comfortable with after dissection and in a world of death and loss and change, we found a moment to celebrate friendship and health. Is anything you do with 100% certainty for safety anymore? Did you soak your strawberries long enough? Did you prevent the next disease you didn’t know about by being too cavalier about cleanliness or too distracted by the present threat?
If anyone has any questions about my life choices and how it impacts you personally, feel free to contact me privately. I’m tested every two weeks and have very limited contact with patients. Many have had Covid, but based on CDC testing, they have all met symptom- based criteria to be reintegrated into general population. I do not touch patients and always practice distancing. I can say with as much certainly as anyone can about anyone that there are no new infections I have come into contact with. The Covid unit I was managing remotely for these past few months will be closing next week as a result of new CDC guidelines limiting the quarantine precautions previously prescribed and because the cases of infections - IN THE HOSPITALS THAT I WORK IN ONLY- have had a small decrease in HOSPITALIZED new cases. I’m hoping this is hopeful and not some evidence for you right-winged tale spinners or naysayers. This doesn’t mean the threat is over. It means it changed the way we manage it.
I’m hopeful. I’m cautious. I’m realistic that my attempts at safety could be futile, but so are yours. What isn’t helpful is casting judgment and making ASSumptions due to your own boredom or fear. I’m staying vigilant and educated. I’m also tired and make mistakes.
Hopefully the intended readers have found this and now you can feel free to unfriend/follow me. #bye✌🏻❤️ 
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